is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
