look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
