hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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