The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
