How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
