I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize