i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
