someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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