I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
