I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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