i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
