I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
