just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
