i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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