then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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