Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
