I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
