So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i think my tv is drunk
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
