ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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