Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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