remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
