What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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