i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
