i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
