I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
