Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
