She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
