i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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