I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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