if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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