this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
