My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
