Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
