I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
