Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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