Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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