JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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