He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
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