put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
