oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
