"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
