i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
