her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
