More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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