the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
