I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
