saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
