My sheets look like a crime scene.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
