If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Randomize
