she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
