My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
