There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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