The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
