i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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