Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found a bag of teeth...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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