2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
