she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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