Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I still have a little drunk in my system
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
