he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
