we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
