Kiss
Puke
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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