Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
