i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize